SJR Transcripts (contd) | Spam Jam Radio

Here, I wrote it all out so you can see what the hell I'm talking about! (newest to oldest)

Jam 31: Smell my Fingers

You want some pasta?

For breakfast? God, man, I’ve just got up

Well, it is 7.32 pm

Welcome back to the show, and now a new segment): Random statements of a suburban alcoholic. Today’s featured alcoholic is James, from Pine Hills. Hello James

Hello?

Yes, go ahead

Hello?

Yes, go ahead, James

Sorry, yeah, hello? This is james.

That’s quite fine, but do you have a statement for us?

Yeah, I do–are you listening?

But of course I am, james

Then here it is: : they say you shouldn’t drink alone, but how would I ever drink then–hey? When? Come on. It’s just common sense.

Just a muffin please

Just the one muffin, then?

Yes, just the one muffin

Great. Should I put them in the same bag?

You know what That’s a good idea

Oh my god this picture is so freaky

Really?

and this carpet is insane

Is it?

Yeah- those patterns are absolutely mesmerizing and this flower is blowing my damn mind!

Is that so?

Yeah, and look out the window at the sky. Look at it! Has there ever been a fiery green more blue?

It looks more standard blue to me but…

Is that the wind making that sound, or are you playing bagpipes?

Huh?

Who let in those bats and why does jay look like a pufferfish?

Pufferfish? You feeling ok?

I feel great. I have so much energy. I can literally feel my chi coursing through me. I don’t think ill sleep till Tuesday. In fact, we need music – But man, check this place out. It’s a circus. A fluid madhouse. I mean just look at those spiders go!

—Now wait just a second… you didn’t happen to take an irresponsibly large dose of lsd a couple of hours ago did you?

What? Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact I did

hey, smell my fingers (no thanks)

oh, come on (seriously I’ll pass) just a little sniff, see…

I’ve been handling stinky tofu, been deboning week old fish,

always scratchin round in my navel, don’t wash my hands after taking a piss

smell my fingers (no thanks, really, it’s quite alright)

come on, smell my fingers, I know you wanto to, come on….

I’ve been chopping onions for a week, peeling garlic all by hand,

then I finally got around to draining my bulldogs anal glands!

I Just changed a hundred dirty nappies, I been butchering a yak

pulled a dead rat from the pool pump, maggots swarming across its back

smell my fingers!

oh smell his fingers, its just the perfect time, since…

he’s been fisting a gorilla, he’s been crumbling blue cheese,

he’s been harvesting manure, he’s been cleaning the latrine,

yeah, he’s been crushing rotten eggs in his fists, and we hope you understand

that whatever dirty business he’s got up to with them, we’ve never seen him wash his hands?

smell his fingers – yeah, smell my fingers!, come on, here we go

hey, see that big sweaty shirtless guy over there? see that naked armpit, with that dense swamp of hair, well ill have you know, that, not five minutes ago these here digits were way up deep in there fiddling and scratching, fondling and grabbing, so yeah, smell my fingers, cause I’m not done yet, check this out:

I’ve been poking round in cat sick, building castles with bear poop

been rubbing toes with a bad infection, been scrubbing the chicken coop

had to rifle through the rubbish, dug some food from between my teeth

and, oh, have a look at my pinky, bro, its properly diseased

oh my god! what the hell, Gerald? what is that black area? Jesus, is that…

yup, that’s dead skin. I'm pretty sure its gangrene. so, what do you say, take a whiff?

are you kidding. you have to go to the hospital, you have to go to the emergency room tight now!

Really, but first, can you just um… smell my fingers!

Jam 30: The Jesus and Co Greatest Hits Show

Morning

Sleep well

Yeah I guess

Good. Would you like some toast?

No thanks

Are you sure? It’s no bother

Yeah

Why do you never want toast when I make it- I see you eat toast all the time, but you never want it when I offer. Why?

Honestly? - I just don't like your toast. You’re too impatient. You never let it get brown and crispy enough. It's just jot fun to eat. It’s more like warm soft bread that tears when you spread on the butter, Its just sad.

I see

And if you do happen get a slice right somehow, you're stingy with the butter anyway

What?

Would it kill you to spread all the way to the edges, so the crusts aren’t all dusty and dry, like snake bones in the dessert? Just to pay a little attention to detail, and ensure a steady, even distribution

I see. I wasn’t aware I was doing it so terribly

Oh, don’t act like that now. I can never tell you anything.

All rise / you may be seated

Have the jury reached a verdict?

We have your honor. On the charges of aggravated assault and manslaughter one, we find the defendant, guilty

Due to the gravity and brutality of the offence, and since you are a Belgian citizen, I feel there is only one punishment that could possibly fit a crime so vile in nature. Therefore, I sentence you to one year of fries without Mayonnaise.

Good evening Ladies and gentlemen, this is Raymond, your in-flight manager, just to let you know that in a couple of minutes on board shopping will become available and we will be passing though the cabin to take any orders. Please refer to your Global Vagabond Superstar magazine, in the seat pocket in front of you, for all items on sale. Please also note we only accept the following payment types. Credit card, debit card, apple Pay, Google pay, Bitcoin, bank transfer, PayPal, bat guano, gold doubloons, whale ambergris, uncut diamonds, Sexual favors, small blue eyed children, and as of last month, kidneys and half decent livers

Welcome to Artistic Colonoscopy, with Beltrane Fastoom. Today’s featured Artist, John Guinevere Mendelson, took a picture of an old lady taking a picture of an old lady taking a picture of an old lady taking a picture of an old lady taking a picture of an old lady taking a shit and then tattooed that picture large scale on the back a different old lady, and rode that lady naked through the streets of Madrid, on the back of a horse – what an absolute masterstroke of decadence and delight, oh Guinevere, how do you come up with this stuff?

Oh, um, drugs. Yeah, it’s mostly from drugs

Welcome one and all to The Jesus and Co Greatest Hits Show, where we cover all the finest acts performed by of the son of god and his gang. We start at Sea of Galilee where we will watch Big J himself walking on water, without the help of any rubber duckies or floating devices of any kind! If you’re lucky, he might even moonwalk or dip into his religiously acclaimed tap dance routine. Then, while Jesus takes a break for a quick wardrobe change, we shift our attention to none other than John the Baptist who will perform several of his signature baptisms around the corner in a lovely quiet spot along the River Jordan. Please note that if you do sign up for one, towels are not provided and we cannot be responsible for any accidental drownings or other injuries. We catch up with the messiah again near the lovely holiday town of Bethsaida, where J-Chill has upped his game, no longer turning five loaves and two fish into bread and fish for 5000, but now turning them into really high end sushi omakase for 50,000 including all you can eat matcha mochi. Then, while David plays his harp accompanied by some ill beats, the son of god will go on to turn water into vodka red bull to keep the party pumping into the night, before performing his final miracle, giving repressed middle-aged white men the ability to dance. The Jesus and Co Greatest Hits Show – catch it or be damned!

Jam 29: TV Channel Singularity

Check please

Of course, sir. Was the food not to your liking?

Oh, it was great, but it was just a bit much. So, yeah, could you please wrap this up for us so we can forget it in the taxi on the way home?

Of course, sir

Vanilla Tea?

Yeah

That’s your name?

Yeah. You have a problem with that?

No, why should I have. I’m not the one walking around with name like Vanilla Tea

Good morning booty bird

Hi angel butt

Sleep well wiggle bink?

Perfectly pupi cheeks

How bout some sugar, smoopy

Here you go love muffin

You so fine pudding shakes

Want some eggs yummy face

Sure, snugglebum

You got it smoeshiepants

It was in 2029 that television became overtly specialized. Gone were the sports, news, food and entertainment channels, and in their place myriad others of extremely narrow focus. And so began the era of TV channel singularity. There was a channel featuring only monkeys shooting lazers, and one only showing music clips with red ships. There was one devoted entirely to freshwater explosions, and another to passive aggressive Austrian arguments. There was a channel that exclusively showed drunk men fighting and one parading reptiles in lingerie. The plate smashing channel was a hit, as was the sweeping up channel, and lets not forget the channel that only showed people opening bottles with their bums

So, with Jim and Sandrine that makes 12

hmm

Wait, you don’t like Jim and Sandrine?

I don’t know. She just looks like a woman who says, ‘get your hands off my man,’ way too often, and he looks like a guy who keeps smells his fingers after digging in his navel

You know people so well Ludovico

It’s a blessing, and a curse.

How’s married life

It’s good but I miss fucking other girls. You know, random, dumb annoying strangers I meet in shitty clubs with awful music and pretend to listen to and care about. I even miss when girls I’m not at all into jerk me off mechanically and for too long into a deep and depressing numbness

Yeah. That happened to me last weekend. Was amazing

Whats wrong Giuliano?

Ah, it’s nothing

No, there’s clearly something the matter. You can tell me.

Well, it’s just, the man I’ve being lying to and setting up for months had a stroke yesterday, and now I cant defraud him for all his assets

Oh man, that’s tough – I know how you feel. Some idiot went and killed the guy I was going to beat up and rob last week

Ugh. So inconvenient

Oh no, the toilet’s overflowing again

It’s your huge shits Gerald. How many times must I tell you: your shits is too damn big. It’s all that corn and roast goose you eat. all that stewed goat and cheesy fries and banana cream pie. Your turds is just too god damn massive - too thick and chunky. Long as a python, wide as tree trunk. You gonna break Old Betty if you don’t mitigate your bowel movements. Lord knows, something has got to give!

Check please

Of course, sir. Was the food not to your liking?

Oh, it was great, but it was just a bit much. So, yeah, could you please wrap this up for us?

Certainly, ill put it in a small paper box with a tiny hole in one corner so it leaks extensively but almost imperceptibly

Great, and do make sure put that in a plastic bag with a tiny overlapping hole so it spills continuously onto my brand new pants for several minutes before I notice

Of course, sir

Jam 28: Carrying Anacondas

Excuse me, can I ask you for directions?

Oh, I’m not from here

That’s OK, I’m Not going anywhere specific

Have you chosen a wine, gentlemen?

Almost, but I’d like to ask you a few questions first.

Certainly, sir.

What are your thoughts on Lisa Kudrow? How do you get into soy futures? What is ‘Enzmeat’ and why is everyone just trying make it? And who in the hell is Tom D. Canary?

And now ladies and gentlemen: actress, dj, and designer to the stars. Acclaimed director, famed phialthtropist and Olympic gold medal pentathlete and archer. Owner of the worlds third largest cyber security firm, 1006 left gloves, 9 restaurants and 19 carbon neutral artisanal bakeries The first human to have climbed Kilimanjaro carrying an anaconda and swum the Bay of Biscay tethered to a shark. Ladies and gentlemen, what more can I say- its Ophelia Vice

So, Ophelia, darling, what’s next for you?

Well, Xander, I just want to live somewhere with, you know, unobstructed access to incredible peaches

Don’t we all, Ophelia. Don’t we all

Here’s your ice cream

Thanks

So, how’s life

Not so good

What happened?

Huh? Nothing

But you say life isn’t good right now. So something must have happened to change it from good to bad

Ah, but you assume it was ever good

Here, have some champagne, were celebrating

Thanks, what are we celebrating?

Having champagne

It was incredibly sexy and exciting between us until we had sex. Then it was just uninspired and disenchanting like it always ends up between a man and a woman, a boy and a girl – between any one thing and another, really. The attraction of failure; the inertia of loss. Love, once more, a horse trapped in a muddy well, struggling into the inevitability of slow and painful demise (applause)

Thank you. Well, that concludes the readings from this years second grade fiction finalists, who unfortunately could not be here to read in person because of a multi school lice outbreak

Wow, you really are something!

Thanks

You just seem like you’d be a terrific friend

Really?

To have adventures with and squeeze the most out of life

O wow, you do

Yes, you’d make a perfect companion

I would?

Yes, absolutely, for someone else

Hey, watch out for that guy, he’s a sink shitter

Oh, really. I thought he was just a fruit fucker

Nah man

Or at worst, a shower pisser

Nah, man, he’s a first class sink shitter

Wow. Thanks for letting me know, I’ll stay alert.

You’re welcome. You onion licker

Hey, can I ask you something personal?

Sure

No. Forget about it

Go ahead.

Well, I just wanted to ask if your favorite nush happens to be babaganush?

It does. It is

Really, oh my god, mine too!

And your favorite nation

Pollination

Oh, I thought it would be illumination like mine. Pity. I really thought we were clicking

Ok, lets go to the phone lines. We have jay from Miami. Hello jay you’re on with Dr. Jack. What’s your question?

Hello, yeah, my question is: is anusthetic cream only for your anus.

Wait, one more time jay. I'm not sure I understand

Oh, sorry, I mean - is it only for a cut or a wound on your anus or you can use it anywhere?

Excuse me, can I ask you for directions?

Actually I’m kind of lost

Terrific! That’s exactly where I want to be

Jam 27: Hawaiian Pizza

Can I help you?

Yes Im looking for something to use once then put in a cupboard and forget about for several years

excellent. Please follow me to the unusual jam section

What’s up? you look disconcerted

Well, I was trying to make chili and I went to the pantry to open a couple of cans of beans, but my eyes are bad and I opened one a can of whoop ass and a can of worms instead

I see, you want to get take out

That might be a good idea

What are you doing? Why are you opening that can?

What do I see? Please tell me that it is not so

It’s pineapple - canned pineapple! (Pineapple. Canned Pineapple)

And now, what are you doing with those slices?

Duh. I’m putting them on my pizza.

No you wont - yes I will - oh you can’t - just you watch - step away - not today - Stop this now (gasp) You’ve put the canned pineapple on the pizza!

Ooh, this one is stunning too, oh they are all fabulous

Yes, I love the colors and the print and—hey, wait a minute. Weren’t you just eating a burger

Yes, fat greasy one, with cheesy fries

You wash your hands well?

Well of course I -- Um. No.)

Then I’ll kindly ask you to stop rifling through my silk scarves.

How was lunch with Beatrice?

Good

She told me you had a hair in your rice

What? No, I didn’t. she said that? No! That’s not true! That’s a total fucking lie! Jesus! I cant fucking believe she fuckin said that! Seriously-I didn’t have hair in my rice.

Ok!

I had rice in my hair - rice in my hair!

You know what really bugs me? People who put pineapple on pizza. It’s a disgrace. And people who drink cappuccino after dinner. It’s for breakfast only – only breakfast. I tell you, it’s just not civilized

Do you know what really bugs me? People who get so offended by meaningless shit like pineapple on pizza or cappuccino after dinner – get a fucking life, Ernesto, ok. You don’t see me getting all bent out of shape if someone makes a bad cup of tee or butters their toast all wrong – but we’ll have to pick this up again later because we’re up. Just got the green light. Ok, listen up people, its time to rock and roll. Moving out in 5 so finish your drinks, pull your pants back up and pack all the heat you can carry. . Lets burn this motherfucker to the ground!

So, What do you do?

Oh, I walk around and pretend I care about stuff, and then get upset about things I assume should bother me

Cool. Cool

what about you?

Oh, I say ‘cool cool’ about stuff I don’t think one way or another about but assume I should comment on

Yeah

What’s the matter Billy?

I –I cut my nails and I now I got no good finger left with what which to what pick my nose good

Well. Lets take this is a learning opportunity. It is always useful to be reminded that Life is full of disappointments. And that’s a fact – now dry those tears, turn that frown upside down, and run along like a good little sociopathic douchebag

Jam 26: The Huggle Brigade

Welcome. This is Impossible Equations with Theodore Batch

I'm looking for my flashlight because the power went off, but its dark and I need a flashlight to find anything in here

You just left my house after a nice dinner. You forgot your mobile phone here. I can’t call you to let you know

I want to get a job as a barman. You need 2 years of experience to get the job. But how can I get experience without getting the job first?

Sorry I chipped another mug and broke a wee plate

Come on Angus! how many times must I tell you; don’t unload the dishwasher when you’re on ketamine. Jesus

You wanna come to dinner on Tuesday with me and my friends

Sorry, I only hang out with golfers and douchebags

Oh, me too

Cool. Then I’d love to

That girl looks so familiar

You’re right. She looks exactly like someone you might have had an argument about nepotism with once in a dark alley, or otherwise, repeatedly slapped the brother of in a torrential downpour for giving you stale meatloaf.

Yes! That’s it! Thank you. IUt was bugging me like crazy

Excuse me. Do you know the time?

Spoken or sung?

Pardon?

Would you like it spoken or sung?

Oh. Sung?

It’s 2pm. Not one o’clock or 3.15 its 2pm

Many thanks

What’s wrong?

Ugh, I don’t know what to wear to the party tonight. Should I put on my cum stained lulu lemon leggings and faux fur crop top or my suede hotpants, leather bikini and boho cowgirl hat. I'm so confused

Duh, Just wear your vinyl cat suit, pimped out platforms, live boa, and Aztec headpiece

Of course. Oh my god, you’re like a life saver

Excuse me? No, I am not ready to party or get down, now that you ask. And I will not throw my hands in the air. Not like that – not just like that at all, or any other way, in case you’re wondering. And you can forget about me waving them around like I just don’t care because I do care. I care a lot. Now listen: I am certainly not going say uh-uh, nananana, or weeeeyo, and I won’t scream just because I'm a lady, or am standing on the right or left or the front, and by the way, of course there are ladies in the house tonight, it would be highly irregular if there weren’t, and just to save time, before you ask another rhetorical question, let me go ahead tell you right now there are men in the audience tonight too. This isn’t a live taping of ellen.

Is something the matter Larry?

I'm just sad. I'm depressed

Well, it’s your lucky day because The Huggle Brigade is here.

Now wait just a minute. Please don’t. Wait–

Now now, Larry. No more talking; only hugging. Come here…Now, do you feel better?

You know what? As a matter of fact, I do

Hi, just this small black coffee, thanks

OK, that will be 13.99

Yes, oh and I’d like to trade in my full loyalty card for a free 4 seasons artisanal tea biscuit box

Alright, let’s have a look at what we’ve got here. Oh, sorry, no can do, all your stickers have not been stuck on properly

Excuse me

Look. At least three of the ten are really crooked, and this one is barely in the box

They are all on there, sir

Not properly

Give me my tea biscuits

Not going to happen. We can’t abide by messy loyalty cards, mister, or soon the whole world will fall apart

Give me my damn biscuits

Sorry sir, we don’t deal with lunatics here–next.

Yes, just this muffin

Sure, that’ll be 16.99. Do you have a loyalty card?

Jam 25: Best Of Compilation

(Transcripts of bits already provided)

Jam 24: Old Jokes Recycled

Happy holidays, Gerald

Thanks, you too

So, What did you get for Christmas?

I got fired

Oh that’s cute

You?

I got to find out my father has another entire family and is a multiple time sex offender

Isn’t that lovely!

From my doctor: positive test results for Lyme disease,

I got that last year

Oh, and I got gonorrhea from my girlfriend, which was kind of a double gift because I also got to know for sure- that she’s sleeping around behind my back. Oh, and I also got, um, socks

How do you take your coffee then? Milk, sugar?

I like my coffee like a like my women. Large, Strong and black

Same here. That’s why I drink very short cold gritty coffees full of hair that smell of old socks and have an oily residue floating on the surface

Oh wow, look at that beautiful dress

Oh, yeah. That’s same dress Holly Hunter wore to that party.

What party?

You were there. The one on the boat with Moby

I was at a party on a boat with Holly Hunter and Moby?

Yeah, with Danny DeVito and Stevo from Jackass.

Shit, why wasn’t I there.

I thought you were. I was sure it was you. Who was it that fell into the ice sculpture then?

I could have sworn it was someone bald, dumpy, greasy, smelly, dumb, annoying and very badly dressed but maybe I'm mistaken

What’s new?

I finally stopped eating my nails

Great

But I started eating other people’s nails

Hey, can I see your hand a sec?

Do you know any jokes?

Not really. Just old ones

Wait – give me a second, let me try something out here: Maybe if I move this and realign that I can… yeah, if I recycle these and add… yeah, I think this could work. Yeah, Actually. Here. How about something like this:

This is Old Jokes Reinvented. A priest and rabbi walk into a bar…. (song)

Jam 23: Porn Headlines

Want to come for dinner tonight, say 8pm?

That would be lovely thanks - what can I bring?

Oh no need to bring anything

No really I’d like to bring something

There’s no need

Please. I’d feel better if I could bring something

Um. Ok. Um. Then bring… 6 roast geese with perfectly crispy skin, an original Picasso, a perfect sphere of ice chipped off a glacier, oh, and the blood of 16 virgins

Wow it’s raining like crazy

No. Weather app says no rain

Mate. It’s literally storming like mad as we speak

Here. Look for yourself. No rain expected till tomorrow.

Look out the damn window, man! Theres a torrential downpour happening right here, right now!

Nope. Tomorrow at noon. A light drizzle. Be sure to pack an umbrella

Good evening, in today’s porn headlines: horny masseuse milks hung jock, senior swingers pick up emo girl for church threesome, tattooed redhead gets her pussy pounded in the office, and busty MILF double penetrated after sloppy deepthroat blowjob

In gay porn headline:sSkinny twink gags on monster cock and bottom stud fucked and fisted by ginger daddy

Later in the program: extreme creampie, cumshot, and anal squirting compilations, but first, our top story, from gloryholeadventures, where petite Latina sucks ten anonymous dicks in hot public toilet session

Wow. What a dinner. So many courses! Hope you have a good dishwashing machine

Actually, Billy, some people don’t have dishwashers

Well how do they get their dirty dishes clean then?

Well, they do it the old fashioned way

How’s that then?

I’m glad you asked. They leave them all out on the counter and then, in the dead of night, when everyone is sleeping, the dish raccoon creeps out of its hiding place beneath the sink and above the stars and slowly but surely licks them clean with its enormously long and sticky tongue, leaving only a single, perfectly round; golden poop on the counter as evidence that he was ever there.

That’s amaaaazing!

You’re amazing, Billy.

Can I take your order?

What's the special today?

Chicken, sir

And what's it served with

Oh, knife and fork, sir

Yes but what else does it come with

Oh. Napkin. In case you mess your face

Hi can you take a picture of us please

Sure. Sure

Ok, squeeze in. ready. Smile. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 …….

Hypotenuse, Perestroika, Conjunctivitis, Ice Cream Cone, Sub Prime Loan

Shutter

Wait, my eyes were closed, can you take another?

Welcome! Come on in.

Thanks. Should I take my boots off or can I wear shoes in here?

Sure you can, but you have to wear someone else's