SJR Transcripts | Spam Jam Radio

Here, I wrote it all out so you can see what the hell I'm talking about! (newest to oldest)

Jam 22: A Labradoodle Day

Hey, Gerald - tell me something: did you go to the shoe store and say: listen, I don’t care what shape or color they are or even whether they fit well or look good. I just want flipflops that squeak real loud, every single time I take a step

Fuck you Dennis

Question: Did you spell check this email before you sent it?

Not sure, why?

Let me read it to you: Dear Mr. Penis, nice to eat you today. It was a real placenta. I very munch enjoyed our convection oven. Please don’t hibernate to contact me if you have any funky queso. Have a labradoodle day, Hubert Turdmunch

Well, at least I got my name right

(radio jingle) This is WPOOP, talk radio: average content for average listeners. Coming up, we speak to a western man who has never heard of jesus, and quintuplets who each hate the number 14, but for entirely different reasons. But that’s after a quick break because right now its time to give some love to a long time sponsor, and I'm talking about One Eyed Franks

One Eyed Franks: We specialize in greasy fingerfoods served without napkins, disgusting overpriced cocktails, and cramped standing space with constant bumping into by people going by, only some of whom smell acceptable. In fact: We hire folk with unusually large torsos and poor hygiene to just keep walking by with no other purpose than to be in your way. One Eyed Franks: come on in and get uncomfortable.

Jen tells me you’re an artist

That’s right- I take pictures of disgusting things in beautiful backdrops – so, you know, like

fresh cat sick floating on a turquoise tropical sea; a rotting maggot infested goats head on a stick in stunning tulip fields

Oh, I see

Large sebaceous pustules on lingerie models, and open festering wounds ensconced in frilly lace tea cozies

Yes, I get the picture-

I'm not sure that you do. I'm talking syphilitic willies surrounded by orchids and birds of paradise playing in raw sewage. I have Art exhibit next weekend. Huge space, totally filled with my works alone. A single picture fills one entire giant wall: a defecating hairy butthole framed between magnificent dancing cranes. You should come. Ill put you on the guest list

Cool. Can I have a plus 16?

And now, today’s Fuck Off Sequences, brought to you by One Eyed Franks. One Eyed Franks - come on in and get uncomfortable:

I want to make a pie one day

What's a Paiwundai?

Really?

Yeah?

It’s a species of sub Antarctic barracuda

Oh, cool- wait, how do you make one?

Fuck off

I have this friend. She’s amazing. She can consume various vegetables, spices and stocks and piss out perfect soups

Fuck off

Oh my god. It was awful. I shat my pants I was so scared

That's nothing. Once someone else shat my pants

What?

Yeah, he made me pull them down then shat them, then made me pull them back up

Fuck off

He fell out of the 8th floor window

Oh my god, is he ok?

Yes, luckily he fell onto a massive marshmallow someone happened to have parked there

Really? Holy moly, that’s amazing—

Fuck off! No, of course he’s not OK. He's in the ER with a fractured skull and 8 broken ribs-

And those were today’s fuck off sequences, brought to you by One Eyed Franks. One Eyed Franks - come on in and get uncomfortable

Hmm, this apple is so tasty.

Choking sounds

Oh What now?

Really?

Oh come on, you can’t be serious

You gotta be choking!

Jam 21: Eyeball Milkshake

Excuse me, is your music vegan?

Of course, sir, all our music is vegan and fairtrade, well, except for the Swedish Hip Hop, which is vegetarian.

Machine sounds working to a climax

Did you finish?

Uhu

Cool. Wanna get some food

I could eat

Jake Samuelsson was standing on his porch with a cold one, reminiscing about the days his wife still waxed bare down there for him when bubba called about the dead rat in the pool pump. It was barely gone 9am but it was already as humid and hot as a possum in a pot and, and he still had to tell the kids about the layoff, foreclosure, and terminal diagnosis. Man, a Brazilian is a fine thing. A fine, fine thing

What did you do this weekend?

I broke into my stepdad’s house and took a shit on his prized antique chair. You?

Ate an old shrimp and had diarrhea

Now way! That’s what I'm doing next weekend!

Cool. I’m planning to wash my car before cutting my foot badly on a rusty pipe

So, Rupert tells me you’re gay

What, like repeatedly?

No. What?

Yeah. I’m gay.

Cool. So, like what kind of dicks do you like?

Excuse me?

I mean, you like them long, fat, skinny, straight, bent, veiny, uncut, mushroom like - what your style?

That's kind of weird, man?

You like black dicks?

Come on

Polish hammers? Latino Logs? You like em shaved, au natural, trimmed, or with them little bushels of pubes?

Seriously

What about ballsacks? You a long and droopy kind of fella or you like them tight and compact like bags of roast nuts. One testicle dangling lower than the other or perfectly even and symmetrical

Dude!

What? I'm just trying to make conversation. Trying to work with you here. I thought you’d like talking about cock and balls. Seriously, I'm starting to think you’re not gay at all!

Store bell

Welcome, sir. Just to let you know, everything in our store is hand made

Oh yeah? Not even foot made like in that store down the road? Or tongue made, now there's something. Then there's that little mountain shop I found in Cambodia last summer: everything-- all tiny delicate figurines made by elbow! Elbow! You ever tried tying a cherry stem with your elbows, Romeo? Or threading a needle with your knees? Didn’t think so - hand made! Pah! What is this, 18^th century Cornwall?

Saw Jensens the other day

Oh yeah? I heard they named their newborn son Stinky Farts to prepare him for a life of conflict and challenge.

That’s right. Stinky Farts Jensen, right there on his birth certificate

Seems to be a growing trend. Give them a leg up on adversity right from the get go. My cousin named his daughter Contagious Warts and my friend Paul named his son Cat Vomit

Last name?

Falkovich. Cat Vomit Falkovich

I hear what you’re saying. In the last year alone we’ve welcomed Batguano Plague Martinez, and Ulcerous Growth Reddy to our neighborhood

And we’ve welcomed Festering Hole Williams and Fuckmaggot Latrine Jefferson to ours.

The world is going mad. Whatever happened to the good old fashioned normal names from our generation!

Don’t know. But I have to go.

Ok, see you Poopenhauser

See you, Eyeball Milkshake

What time is it?

Um, 3:85

You serious?

Yup

Oh, shit! I’m so late

20: Nargadooli

On Friday, June 10, 2022, Gerald Jones was astonished to discover that for some inexplicable reason everyone was calling the vegetable he had always known as nargadooli by a different name: cabbage (ca-beige). At first he thought it was a complex hoax but when everyone kept calling it that, even on tv he thought he must be going mad. Apparently, all the braised and stuffed nargadooli he had ever made was actually braised and stuffed cab-beige. Red, green, Napa and Chinese nargadooli were all kinds of cabbage instead. Even the doolislice he made with nargadooli and carrot, dressed with Mayo was apprently called cole slaw! How insane – how utterly mad

Mr Jackson, please come with me, I am placing you under arrest for murder

Murder?

Yes, the evidence is overwhelming that you killed Mr. Jacob White

Yes, but

Well that’s illegal

It is?

Of course it is

Even if the person is really really annoying

Yes

And acted really shitty to you and your friends

Of course

Repeatedly

Yes!

Oh. Sorry. Seriously I didn’t know that sort of thing wasn’t allowed . I thought everyone did it. My cousin Charlie did it like 5 times already and never got problems with police

Really? Do you have an address for this Charlie?

To outward appearances the Smiths were a rather vanilla married couple, but in the bedroom, where they dabbled with role play, things could get quite spicy. Today , for example, he was playing the role of a German doctor but a bad one who prescribed antibiotics for viral infections.

Yes, swallow this, and then, I will stick the finger in the poopshute- the longest middle finger, and all the way, maybe even with a little tickle- and now, open wide for the cod liver oil

God I hate metaphor. I just can’t stand it. It is the glass shard in my beef stew. the blue green algae in my favorite swimming hole

-cut him off will you

it’s the noose around my lyrical neck, I say, and I hate simile too, like a farmer hates long droughts.

-will some one cut him off, now!

And don’t get me started on analogy! Because I feel the same way about it as I do about commercials during movies on TV.

- for the love of god, man, stop this madness now or I’ll–

No, metaphor is torrential rain at an outdoor wedding, oil stains on a favorite dress, it is the

Gunshot

Dying sounds. I'm shot, most violently, like Oswald did to Kennedy, and Booth to Lincoln. So much Blood… My blood… it is thick as molasses, and opaque ruby red as a 1995… Lafite… Rothschild

And now a message form our sponsors. This program is brought to you by Mobile Family Holiday Meals

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I'm upset with you

Why?

You told Phyllis I drink all day every day and I resent that. I only start drinking at noon every day- never before

Jam 19: Boner Ape Tits

Just the éclair then?

Yea

Would you like a bag?

No thanks

Good, then that will be 3--

But could you put it in a basket in a briefcase in a bucket in a barrel

So, in conclusion: we anticipate a 2% increase in cross border traffic by Q3, and sales to double in the Nordics by the end of the fiscal year

And I think that that about ends the presentation. Any questions?

Yes: would you say you’ve eaten more cucumbers than the average man? Also: what are your thoughts on Katherine Heigl - and a follow up - how do you pronounce that last name?

And now, chants from the catholic priests of St. Inapproprio:

Will you help me with my robe, child

It is time for bathing again

We shall play our special game

It will be out little secret

Naked as the lord intended

We can share the tub, it’s spacious

Thy shall lather my back

As I pat thy tiny tushy

Adore thy blessed purity

We shall play hide the salami

Did you make a reservation for dinner tonight?

Yeah, at The Coy Aubergine

No, don’t go there. I always fight with the waiter, and besides, lately the champagne tastes like piss

Do the sandwiches taste like snot too?

What? Why?

Jingle: Don’t fight with the waiter at your local restaurant; he might soil your vichyssoise

What I'm trying to say is, family is the most psychologically challenging social construct we have at our disposal, offering countless complexities to absorb and attempt to learn from. Here, duty and affection, love and aversion, biology and ideology, all exist within their respective strained dichotomies struggling under the burden of an opaque emotional weight, ever wrestling the deep genetic imprints left by generations past.

Now listen here: I’m just trying to order a double cheeseburger, large fries and a Pepsi

Of course sir. My apologies. It was inappropriate of me to attempt conversation

And don’t forget the ketchup

Of course, sir. Your order number is 609. Please drive around the side for pickup

This food looks amazing. Let’s tuck in.

Yup, boner ape tits

What?

Boner ape tits

Boner ape tits?

Yeah. It’s French for enjoy your food. Boner ape tits. Dude- you gotta get some culture. It’s as if you live under sock?

And now, select scenes from the winner of this year’s Chevaux-Guttenburg Avante Garde Arthouse Film Award, Large Women Leaving, by Wilhelmino Rose:

(with accompanying off-kilter soundscape)

Sometimes there is an attractive staircase on the north side of the square, behind the church.

…Sometimes?

Yes, sometimes

She’s resting her head on my shoulder, comfortable. My back itches terribly but I do not scratch. Instead, think of crying children

Every three months he smokes for a day

Every three weeks she smiles, once, for 7 seconds

Of course, because it only feels shame for the shame it does not feel

That is why the man must wear two hats

How’s the store design coming along

Bad. The fitting rooms don’t fit

Jam 18: Hillbilly Ditty

Knock

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, Johnson, take a seat

Thanks

Oh, Not that one

Or that one - Take a smaller seat, will you - Smaller still. Actually, sit on that rubbish bin

Well, take the lid of first! And get your feet off the carpet

How, sir?

Just lift them – support yourself against the desk with your shoulder. Good, good.

Um. What did you want to see me about, sir

Oh, yes I almost forgot. You’re fired

Sex toys. Second hand sex toys - get your second hand sex toys here. Pre-loved dildos, vibrators, anal beads, buttplugs, all hardly used, and ready for another go. We’ve also got barely expired condoms and mostly full bottles of lube. Check out our huge range of previously adored tools of titillation, all adequately cleaned and with prime second hand quality guaranteed! Strict single return policy enforced. Get your second hand fleshlights, cockrings, strapons, double penetrating dildos, and G-Spot bullets right here, right now. 1 for 8, 2 for 12 and 3 for 6.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. This is Raymond, your in-flight manager, just to let you know that we have reached cruising altitude and will soon be moving through the cabin with dinner service. In flight purchases are also now available though your personal touch screen. For your information, we are expecting some pockets of mild turbulence on route so we do advise you to stay seated with your seatbelt fastened. And finally: would the person with the incredibly stinky feet kindly put their shoes back on, immediately . I repeat: to the individual with next level toe jam so intense its making my eyes water as we speak, please, for gods sake, return your gnarly rotten stink feet to their appropriate shoes or none of us will make it to our destination alive. We are literally suffocating. Otherwise, sit back relax and enjoy your flight with us, and thanks again for choosing Parakeet Airlines

What did you think of the script?

Loved it.

Really?

Yes, it’s perfect

Oh wow. Great!

Yes, flawless! Hardly any notes

Oh I'm so glad

We’ll just make the family Filipino, move it all to Tulum, get a dead mom and uncle with testicular cancer in there and we’re good to go

Hillbilly Ditty

So, Mary Lorraine went to the county fair with her friends for the weekend and I was left all alone at home. What was I to do? I already done fed the chickens and the pigs and done watered the beans and the corn, and done emptied the chamber pot, and it was only gone 8am. I still had the whole day in front of me. What was I to do? Well, I think y’all all will agree, I really only had one option? And that option was drugs

...

I was only gonna do one line

but I ended up doing nine

took some speed to polish my silverware

took some ketamine and cut my own hair

drank a bottle and a half of jack

and took those random pills I got from uncle Mack

smoked a joint to calm myself down

got lost in the yard trying to hide from those clowns

Drugs in the morning

Drugs all day

If I'm Alone at home

Ain’t nothing more to say

OK, The LSD was maybe a reckless

woke up later in a camel head and wedding dress

I'd only taken a couple of tabs

or maybe 6, I admit, my memory’s bad

I was in a pretty funny mood

maybe something to do with all those qualluudes

my watch said only half past noon

Just a perfect time, to eat me some shrooms

Drugs in the morning

Drugs all day

If I'm Alone at home

Ain’t nothing more to say

...Now hold on just a minute! Why is there and alligator in my bathroom?

Jam 17: CEO

Yeah, I’ll have the vegan sandwich, the beat fries with chipotle veganaise, a green salad with vegan dressing, and a hemp milk latte

Of course, sir

Oh, and serve it all in a freshly butchered yak carcass, will ya

It was during the worst storm of the century, with torrential rain and lightning striking all around, and winds of 150 miles an hour. I climbed a massive sheer cliff face, must have been a thousand feet tall, with no safety rope while venomous snakes struck out at me relentlessly from every crevice. I was been bitten at least 30 times. When I reached the top I fought off, with my bare hands, 200 towering warriors armed with massive swords, killing most of them. I must have killed tens of thousands of men in my life. The survivors took me to their leader with whom I drank 38 shots of local rum till he passed out, after which I made love to the tribe’s 24 most beautiful women, at once, satisfying each of them multiple times before allowing myself to finish. In fact eight of them committed suicide when I left, unable to face a future without me and my enormous and prodigious wang–oh, excuse me, I must go and greet that man. I’ve been trying to get a hold of him for 60 years. This has been one of the best conversations I have ever had but I must say good bye now.

Who was that?

Oh, that’s Gerald- he’s our CEO

CEO?

Yes, Chief Exaggeration Officer

Man, there’s like ten things I want to eat

Me too. I'm so hungry. We should definitely get like 5 starters and 3 mains

The salt and pepper squid and the Korean fried cauliflower for sure

Ja, and these mini brioche toasties and pulled pork empanadas too

They look amazing! – what you thinking for the bigger dishes?

These fresh ricotta gnocchi with burnt butter and sage are singing to me

I'm kind of feeling the duck confit

And fuck it, lets just get the whole deep fried sweet and sour fish

I'm so excited. I want to try everything.

It all looks so good. I'm so glad we found this place

So let’s go inside already! it’s freezing out here.

Door opens. Shift outdoor street to inside restaurant

Hi, Table for 2 please

Sorry kitchen’s closed

Welcome back. We are talking to enigmatic frontman Ben Cockdiggle. Now, before the break you were telling us about the Skinny Gigolo Tour. So, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t that the only tour the band did as Fister Quim?

That’s Correct, Dennis. And actually, we only named ourselves Fister Quim because at the time Muttsack was already taken. We were dead set on Muttsack but turned out it was a ska band from Bristol- and not bad at all if you like bad ska. Thereafter we renamed ourselves Crime Brûlée, then Fatlove and briefly, Illegible Child. For a period in the late 90s we pealed off and did solo projects, Jerry with Enjoy Measles, Glued Babies, and I Love You, But, and Franz teaming up with Guinea Pig Breach to go on tour with Primitive Ejaculation, The Unsmelled, and a host of other deepthroat jazz legends. Of course I still moonlighted for Schedula Oblongata on alternate Sundays, while teaming up with Endocrime and Just Like Hat to release not one or even two, but three soulful mid afternoon jazz mashups also featuring Shrimp Entourage and Exponential Sausage.

No, it was good, but the plot kinda–Oh, shit I made a stain on your chair. Oh my god. I'm so Sorry

Really? Awesome! I’ve been planning to do that for ages but just haven’t found the time! Now I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Thanks. You’re a star! Scratch that off my to do list

Hey, What did your mom used to do?

What, before she became a crazy coupon cutting stalker?

Yeah

Dietitian

Yours?

Before she became a paranoid recluse hoarder

Yeah

Court stenographer

Cool

How was the cake?

It was mm-mmm

Really, I thought it would be hmm-hmm- or even hmmmmm

No, definitely mm-mmm

Jam 16: Hit and Run Pooper

You know, you remind me of someone I used to know

Oh yeah?

Yeah, a grotesque and creepy pedofile who lived down the street. He had a weird lazy eye and a festering headwound that never seemed to heal and he stank terribly. Actually, you remind me of him a lot

Did you see the wedding pics?

Oh, my god, didn’t she have just the most stunningly Photoshopped skin

Took ten years off

If not more. And the eye and tooth filters

To die for. And isn’t it amazing how the photos relayed an entirely skewed version of events

As if it was, like a totally different occasion altogether

No crying or tantrums

No drunk drama or gross molesty uncles

No fist fights and not even one of the three stabbings

Wonderful wedding

Perfect on paper

And social media

Aye- for all appearances: a flawless joyous occasion

What’s your dog called?

Crocombuche

What an absurd name

What’s yours called then

Crème Patissier

Ok, I see what you mean

You know, when I was back at the beach house, I realized that my happiest days by far were the ones I spent with Pappy collecting fresh mussels from the rocks at low tide and cooking them right there on the beach on a wood fire - those were my happiest hours

My happiest hours by far were the ones at the local bar between 3 and 7pm when booze was 30 percent off and select beers were sometimes even 2 for 1

Song

Thank you Jane. We are here at the pool of the George Hotel were it appears the hit and run pooper has struck again. At this stage it is unclear if the offender is a hotel guest, as once more the foul defecator has managed to evade authorities. This is the 10^th such incident in the last three months, again involving a single lump of excrement, though it should be noted, of considerable length and girth. The pool has been evacuated as the turd is removed and the area sanitized but I have here beside me, hotel guest Mr. Primosh Calhoun who actually discovered the unwelcome fecal deposit.

Oh it was awful, I was entering the shallow area to swim my 20 laps of backstroke carefree as a baby bird when my toe brushed against something. When I realized it was an enormous shit I was shocked, I tell you, shocked

yeah, it’s the hit and run pooper

check it – dropping stools in the pool

You’re a sneaky bastard

leaving shits for all to see

in public pools Frequented

by families

yes you Empty your bowels

where others try to bathe

and create a situation

which is positively grave

we don’t know who you are

but we sure know what you do

you’re the hit and run pooper

and your actions are uncool

call it caca, dudu

dookie, crud or chocolate log

but that brown thing in the water

is certainly no frog

it’s a massive stool

a ginormous scat

its at least a foot long

and preposterously fat

so whoever you are

and/ whatever you’re trying top prove

we beg of you

stop shitting in our pools

Jam 15: Moonlit Shore

How’s it going, Manfred?

Terribly. My life is a bad joke told poorly by a drunk smelly man in an ill fitting suit

Great. I'm doing well too. Having a burger for lunch and watching the game - Go Tigers!!

(Car radio / Car acceleration)

Wait! Stop the car! (screeching tires) We have to go back. I forgot my favorite buttplug in the hotel. They don’t make it anymore! And it’s just perfect for me. What are you waiting for, man? Let’s go.

You got it! Operation Buttplug starts, right now (accelerates away)

Did you ever see that movie – what’s it called again?

The Squid’s Poopshute

No, man

Crispy Dork Boogers

Come on

On Top of Mount Nangus

Jesus, Larry, can’t you be serious just once in your life. I mean, you’re 42 for god’s sake. It’s time to decide what you want to do with yourself besides begging for attention with endless stupid jokes at every opportunity. Listen, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but someone has to say something. At some point, life begins to demand a certain level of responsibility and you need to start working towards that or you’ll be left behind, and you’ll end up old and alone with nothing to show for it. I only say this because I'm your friend and I care. But its time you got your ass in gear.

Wow, OK… Um… Was it called The Donkeys Big Red Bunghole?

Yeah, my brother just started his wellness app and he's--

Hey, I gotta interrupt you: do you want pancakes? We are close to the exit for the pancake shack and it’s important to make a decision now.

Um. Well. I guess

This is no time for guessing, Gerald. Yes or no… to pancakes– Yes or no?

(Beep. Music) This is an automated message for Mr. Julius P. Warren, Please do not respond. This is a courtesy communication from Fiesta Jetskis, Notary and Legal. We tried to approve your rushed and registered time critical application but the stamp ran out of ink and then we had to go to lunch and then our on annual leave, with immediate effect, and indefinite term. Be sure to carefully consider this important information. This automated message is now complete. Please do not respond- And thank you, Mr. Julius P. Warren, for being a passive and dedicated customer. Good night.

Hello, can I get you something?

Yes please. What do you have?

Oh, today we are serving food

Ok. Great. I’ll have that, and my date, Gladys, will have the same

Good. Two foods. Would you like two smaller prefoods before the foods?

Actually, now that you mention it, that sounds like a good idea. Oh, And something to drink

Of course. I’ll get you both a beverage

A beverage sounds perfect. Doesn’t that sound just perfect, Gladys?

(Weird giggle)

And now sounds of waves lapping at a moonlit shore while a broken man finally sits down with his kids to share all kinds of bad news from which they will never truly recover: Of course it’s not your fault my little monkey. Your mother didn’t mean what she said. She just needs a few weeks of rest now at a special hotel. Yes, we I still love each other, just not in the same way. No, we wont be able to visit her for a while, but always remember she cares about you very much. Everything will be just fine; you have my word. I'm about to close a big deal - the biggest one yet! Any day now. I can feel it. No, those men won’t call any more or show up at the door, I promise. We will have to move in with your grandma for a while and you will have to share a room with your sister just temporarily. I know it’s far away and away from all your friends. The operation has an excellent success rate. It’s just a standard procedure. Nothing to worry about. Don’t cry my little soldier. Everything will be just fine

What’s for dinner?

Pea soup

Eew. What’s dessert then - poo tart?

Jam 14: Skydiving Grandma

Hi. What can I get you?

I’ll have a sad piece of stale old bread with wilted lettuce and two slices of mealy tomato

Our special, then. Great choice sir.

As a 23 year old spray tanned douche, Sal Fantucci was sad one drunken night to realize he could never be an inspiring ovarian cancer surviving sky diving grandma gone viral. Sometimes, life is a cruel mistress

Say, Jim, I just had me a thought: we been sitting here on these here steps smoking every couple hours on the hour for going on 16 years and change and I never even thought to ask you a single things of any import or share in any way of my inner mind- my true self or truth be told, any place in the vague vicinity of my genuine self. For instance, sometimes I wonder what it must be like to love and be immensely proud of your arbitrary country of birth and lifelong nationality, marry your high school sweetheart in your local chapel, eat dinner with your aunts and uncles every Sunday, and so love the random dishes your grandma made – to respect your elders and actually believe that father knows best. Wouldn’t that be a hoot!

Any questions on the wine menu

Yes. Which is the best one to pour in your ear? What is best for blowing bubbles with a straw? Which one has the best empty bottle to sit on naked afterwards?

Oh, that would be the 2018 Chateau Poopoo

Excellent. We’ll take three bottles and two day old croissants

As I wait, I look at the picture of mom and dad from dinner last night: She with her perm and little round shape, he with his bald head and bloated, red face, each deeply stubborn, unable and unwilling to understand; and I think: why would they have had me? Surely, they must have known I would never amount to much, that I would live a tedious unrewarding life that fosters no joy. Its in the genes: I’ve already got her stolid shape, and I’ve heard his nervous laugh in mine. Why would they do it. I wouldn’t – never! Not if there was a chance the boy would end up like me, and really, how else could it ever be?

Grande mochaccino, extra shot

Yes, that’s me- thanks. Have a great day!

Looks like everything is in order. All that remains now is for you to sign 3 times- here, here and here, wipe this copy under your armpit, and poke yourself in the eye with this desiccated squid.

Hmm. I love your scent, what is it?

Oh, it’s Boudin boudoir from Pappy’s of Fort Stink

No way! Not the essence of navel series?

Uhu. One and the same

Oh, it's wonderful. It reminds me of uncle Ned’s special hidden place. Of a deep and murky woe. Of Saturday mornings in the drunk pen.

Yes, of a white Christmas filled with patricide and port.

Of a holiday romance gone tragically wrong

Of abduction far from home that destroys several families across multiple generations

Of lifelong addiction before dying anonymous and alone

Oh, isn’t it just the best!

That car is so beautiful

Oh please don’t say that

What. Why?

I’m allergic to adjectives- please don’t use them

What a silly man you are

Please! I beg you

I’ll have to consider that carefully

Oh, stop it!

What?

Well, I’m allergic to adverbs too.

Scotch, rocks, anything Japanese

If its Japanese it ain’t scotch (whiney voice)

Good point. Whiskey then, anything Irish

Jam 13: Photogenique

Yes, what can I get you?

Oh, do you have Campari

But off course we do

Great. I'll have a Campari soda

Sorry we don't have Campari

You should have come, it was fun – oh, Belinda sends a hug

Really?

Yeah

You mind if I don’t accept it? her hugs are the worst. She clings too tight for too long and smells of banana

And now ladies and gentlemen, introducing my lover, liver donor, and best friend; my ingénue, deli man, benefactor and step grandmother; my tech support, surrogate, broken doll, and nemesis. They need no further introduction so without further ado, here is my trusted oncologist, labradoodle, and long time taxidermist; my favorite houseplant, financial advisor, and spicy pork loin baguette. Good people, may in present, my protégé, pimp and ashtray supreme: Photogenique

Hi guys!

I didn’t know your two were friends

Well. Not exactly. We have a very defined and finite and relationship. Once every month or two we get together, eat shrooms and play cards with oversized deck till dawn while badmouthing our mothers

Oh, I have the exact same relationship with my friend Gerald, except we take acid, play backgammon and trash our uncles

Oh, thank God you’re awake. I'm so relieved. But Jesus, Peter, how did it get so bad? What could have happened that you… to make you attempt to commit suicide?

Well, I’ll tell you - I had a David Guetta song stuck in my head and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It burrowed its way in there and wouldn’t get out and life just became intolerable. I almost ended it a few years ago with Despacito, and I just wasn’t willing to go through that again. I just, lost hope.

All rise. Court is now in session. The honorable J Gibron Gray is presiding. You may be seated. Case number 33504. The state of California vs Jimmy Grinns.

OK, young man. lets see what we have here. You stand accused of… poking your semi lubricated fingers into the bottoms of sleeping nuns, and of using the company credit card to keep 10 sex pads in 8 cities around the world, and keeping fixers on the payroll in each locale to ensure an endless stream of top shelf drugs, booze and punani. How do you plead?

Horny your honor. Horny and ready to party

Order. Order in my court. I’ll hold you in contempt !

You can hold my balls in contempt!

Hey, remember that time I grabbed your new iPhone X and threw it off that bridge- so funny. And remember that time I was really sick and coughed right in your face while you were sleeping before your big expensive non refundable trip to Brazil ...the one you’d been planning for years. Oh- and the time I sent your boss a dick pick from your work account and you got fired for sexual harassment and sued in court!

How you doing, Sam?

I’m ok. Life goes up and down. Things happen and my mood changes day to day

Mine too, but there’s a trick I use that helps me get by when I feel that way. It’s simple. Whatever’s going on, I always try to remember that ultimately life is shit

Jam 12: Stink Politics

Monday June 10, 2019, Ann arbor Michigan: Elmore Frink spends the whole morning and a good chunk of the afternoon worrying about the blood he saw in his phlegm and later, in his stool, till he remembers, with some relief, that he had a beetroot juice for breakfast

Come on. Lets go! We’re late

I can’t find my pants.

Maybe you left them around your other set of keys.

And now, from the team that brought you the global game show phenomenon Throw That Papaya - which has been viewed in 112 countries and territories worldwide including Sao Tome and Principe and The Vatican - a brand new game show of immense olfactory proportions requiring a deep familiarity with digestion, a nose for stench orchestration, and natural inclination for devious stink politics. This is… Sniff My Farts!

Listen, better make dinner at 6

Oh, is she dating an older gentleman?

Let’s just say he’s openly gray

(Shows phone) Hey, was she at my wedding?

Who?

She looks so familiar

Give me your phone. Let me see - That’s Hillary Clinton

Was she there?

Um, no.

You sure

Yes, I'm sure Hillary Clinton wasn’t at your shitty wedding

You positive

Yes Gerald. I know for a fact that only Bill and Chelsea bothered to show up.

Hey, Bob. How was your weekend?

Crazy. I went my friend Dorothy’s for tea, unaware she had just performed an abortion on herself with the antenna she ripped right off the TV, dumping the fetus in the toilet but not managing to fully flush it, so when I went to pee it was in there staring up at me with eerie eyes wide open.

No way

Yeah

I can’t believe it

I know

That people still have tvs with antennas (laugh track)

– Wait wait wait.

What?

I didn’t know your show was so political.

Eh. It dabbles- but mostly in devious stink politics

Here’s your 3 bean salad, sir— I’m desperately sorry we ran out of two of the kinds of beans

So you’re telling me it’s a one bean salad

That is technically accurate, sir.

So, that’s what my life has come to, then. A one bean salad …song:

I Got only one bean - not the advertised three

And not even a cool bean like cannelini

it’s a poorly dressed salad clearly made with little care

The only bean it offers is canned haricot vert

with the sad wilted lettuce and the lack of seasoning

you cant but to start to wonder about life and meaning

its pretty damn apparent that they didn’t even try

but I’ll eat my one bean salad, while I softly start to cry.

His email password is an entire punctuated chapter of a novel (including a few typos, and some sketchy syntax and plenty strained metaphor). It starts: Ben didn’t speak for a month after the operation; there was nothing left to say. In the summer, when the great fire destroyed the Southern Belt of Ladenswood, he left town to work in the mills, still crippled with the weight of a shattered heart.

I don’t remember the rest. So yeah, we can’t hack his mail

Yeah, so let’s male a plan about--You making that sound?

What sound?

That very loud rattling sound

You mean the helicopter? Um, no. No I am not.

Jam 11: Warrior

Ok, who ordered the fluffy blueberry pancakes

Yummy, yes that was me

Sorry, we ran out, but don’t worry we’re bringing you bratwurst and garlic mash potato instead

Hey, mom, I love this bread and the soup is fantasti---

Why don’t you marry a nice Jewish girl!

(medieval scene/horse gallop comes to a halt)

Horn sounds

Hear me good people. Hear me and rejoice for we are saved. a true warrior has arrived to protect our village and vanquish our foes!

What?

To defend our lands from pillaging and plunder

…Actually,

And our wives an daughters from rape and murder

…Excuse me.

He will decapitate our enemies and–

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt but I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding here. You see, I'm not a warrior; I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. Taxes. Floods. Wolves. Witchcraft and the woods. Oh, and the dreaded syphilis burn. I'm even worried I bought the wrong curtains for the den. They’re non refundable. Traded three flagons of mead for them, and good mead too. Must have been a mix up with the pigeon)

Had dinner with Taylor yesterday

Cool. Hey, help me set something straight here: is Taylor an old Jamaican lady with a wig or a Swiss teenage boy with makeup and a crazy hairstyle

Excuse me?

No. Seriously, which is it?

He’s a bald middle-aged Greek man

Three for breakfast?

Yes

Room number please?

232

Thanks

558 6296 101 umlaut G (sound effects) everybody in the house say yeah (sound effects)

Certainly, Right this way. I’ll give you table 13

Great

Dash square root of 94 (sound effects) honey suckle gravy- (sound effects)

Oh, perfect, we sat there last time. Love that spot

So, you want to get lunch with us on Friday?

Oh, no thanks. I can’t be friends with people who like friends.

We sit at the outdoor café opposite the fruit market sipping our cocktails in the late afternoon sun, watching people choosing mangoes and kiwis, grapes and melons, the old ladies squeezing one plum after another to check for ripeness, bringing peaches to nose and inhaling deeply to gather the scent of summer trapped within

I wonder how much old lady urine, ass crack sweat and boogers we have eaten in our lives, Gerald asks

Loads, I answer. Fucking loads.

Where’s she from?

Spain

Cool, I have a friend who has a friend who has a cousin in Barcelona

Great, and I have a pilates instructor who’s barber has a step nephew in Madrid.

And hHnk? Where’s he from

He’s South African

Oh really, my friend’s niece’s accountant’s boyfriend had his honeymoon in Kenya

Cool. I met a Tanzanian fellow once. At Costco. Lovely chap. Spoke such good English.

(Doggy steps/panting)

Come on boy

Hi Arthur

Hello Donald

Hey, was it your dog that shat in the hallway yesterday?

What? No!

Oh, OK

It was me

Yeah cup of black coffee, thanks

Yes, may I repeat your order: one coffee that is black

And, Ill just have a hot chocolate thanks

Yes, may I repeat your order: one chocolate that is hot

Hey, Ma, I love this sauce and the pasta is perfec---

Why don’t you marry a nice Italian girl!

My friend John has a rabbit

Yeah, right!

What? He does!

No, not that. Let’s not pretend you have any friends

Jam 10: Nikita

You just got back?

Yeah, yesterday on the red eye.

Quite a trip! What was that, 10 days?

Great! Did u visit jim in San Francisco?

And Jess and Alan in San Diego

Ben and Maria in LA?

Why not? They’re locals. They could have shown you around. They know all the good spots and have ins at all the good restaurants

Well, honestly, it’s because I hate your friends. Every single one of them.

Last night in the hotel bar I met a blonde in a miniskirt called Nikita who made it clear she was interested, so instead of sneaking around and wrestling with the morality of it all for weeks as I slowly lost control, I immediately left my wife and emptied all my bank accounts into Nikita’s, crashed my car, broke three ribs, stabbed a priest, got a face tattoo, and checked myself into a mental wellness retreat this morning

This way Mr. Anton

I just hope I’ve done enough

Excuse me. Am I supposed to drink my wine from this dirty box?

That’s what we do, bruv. Serve things in odd vessels. Pudding in the bottom of a massive kimchi urn without utensils, steak on a lumpy pillow, chicken wings in used dustpans, beef stew on a fly swatter. Is it the lint from an industrial dryer’s full day of use? No, look inside. It’s your croquettes, aioli and all. Just wait till your risotto comes in a unwahed boxers glove from 1912, ooh, and your chocolate peanut butter souprize—I wont give it away, but I will give you a hint. Nappy. Really full nappy.

What’s that?

A stress ball

What do you do with it?

You squeeze it?

And then

It stresses you out, obviously! jesus Marry. Sometimes I think you got meatballs for brains

Hello ladies. Cover charge is 20 bucks each tonight

Oh, isn’t it free, you know, for ladies night?

Ladies night? Oh, no, it's rabies night. Free entry and drinks for anyone with the disease. You three, please step right in. Have a great time.

It was a moody Sunday afternoon. An old lady invited me in out of the rain and offered me some porridge type thing that tasted like horse semen - well, like I imagine it would taste – busteeeeed!!!

OK bye. Enjoy the rest of your day and drive home safely.

Man, who were those hideous old trolls?

My wife my mother my sister and my aunt

How was your day?

Amazing! First I found reduced price fruit in the supermarket! 30 percent off! And not only apples and pears, but cherries too. My favorite brand of laundry liquid is again available 5 gallon jugs, and what’s more, asparagus are back in season! Then, later, I saw my shoelace was undone and looked up to I find I was standing right beside the most perfect shoe tying ledge I’ve ever seen. A gorgeous ground floor window sill of impeccable height and width. I found a quarter on the floor, heard a wood thrush sing, and was offered free samples of delicious frozen yoghurt while waiting to cross the road. Life could literally not be any better

So, Debbie broke up with me

Bummer man

Yeah, now I have to find another ugly bitchy woman to treat me like shit every second of every day, spend all my money and take total advantage of me for years

You will, Gerald. I just know it

Yes I’ll have the brontosaurus ribs please

Certainly sir. Full rack or half?

Half! God! Do I look like a barbarian

Jam 9: Unwanted Gifts

Hey, good news. I haven’t had a single drink yet today

Really? That’s wonderful. And it’s almost noon!

Two for dinner?

Oh, no thanks, just for a drink, but can we sit near the kitchen so we can smell the food

Hello, and welcome to Unwanted Gifts, with me, Ben Bitters. Yes, please give me another cook book I will never use. Look, there’s still a Couple of open spaces on my bookshelf. Question: ever heard of the internet, ya nimrod? Because every dish ever made is on there and rated, and you can skip straight to recipe. What’s next then? A pizza stone? Thai cooking classes? A star named after me? or stretch of highway I’ve sponsored in Tibet?

Just get him whisky, you nimrod. Always whisky!

So, How did it go?

I don’t know. She came with her one-year-old daughter and I couldn’t talk with her at all. It was impossible

Yeah, it’s really hard to have a proper conversation with a baby

Hey, get this, that dude eats grapes that still have pips in them

What a loser. Probably does the same with watermelon too

Yeah, and I bet he eats fish that have bones

Probably touches the tap to turn it on

And the toilet handle to flush

eew, gross, yuck

Are you finished with that?

Yea

You hardly touched it.

I know, it was just a little too big and disgusting

So, what do you do?

I'm a shorts renter - you know, for poorly packed trips to hot climates, you?

I’m working on a story in which a port-a-potty comes alive and lives a great carefree life until it learns to feel shame

(Baby noises)

There’s my little man! - Tell mommy you love her

Actually, can I get back to you on that . I’m only one and a half. I’d like some time to work out what this love stuff is. Seems too complex to commit to off hand at every opportunity. Too complicated for a shotgun answer

Oh, man, that sandwich looks good

Is that a fact

Well, as they say, we eat with our eyes first

Actually, we don’t eat with our eyes; we eat with your eyes

What?

We eat with your eyes. (demonic laughter)

Hey, what are you doing. No, get away from me. Get away from me! (terrible screams)

Have you met Allan?

Of course I’ve met Allan

Remarkable chap, Allan

Extraordinary fellow

Absolutely marvelous at navigating crowds

Isn’t he just!

And attracting the waiter’s attention

Just a wiz at extracting toast before it burns

He sets a damn fine table

And don't even get me started on his otherworldly knack for dressing appropriately on chilly spring evenings!

Gives me shivers, that does

Sensational light jacket etiquette

And thin scarf protocol

Wears the holy hell out of a waistcoat

And he’s downright gifted at stacking the dishwasher

Oh, the best I’ve ever seen

And when did you last see him leave food on his plate

Never! His portion management is sublime

Chorus: Allan, he’s quite remarkable!

Anyway, I’d like to thank you very much

You’re welcome. It was nothing

What? No, I was thanking Hugh. Thanks again Hugh!

You’re welcome darling

Jam 8: The Anti Stereotypical Show

OK, who was next?

Yes, what free drink can I get with the drink ticket I lost at a festival in Barcelona last year?

Excuse me, how much for the chair?

200

No discount?

No, why?

You have sale signs in all the windows

Yeah, windows are on sale, not chairs. Hey, wanna buy window? It’s on sale.

Good evening ladies and gentleman, I'm your host, Arturo von Lancelot, and this is The Anti Stereotypical Show. Tonight we have: 4 Japanese friends who will happily disrespect their elders, a South African who hates biltong and braai, a non speedo wearing Brazilian man who is apathetic to chunky butts on the beach, a middle class Korean woman who has never had plastic surgery and will giggle without covering her mouth, and finally, a French man who doesn’t like dipping his croissant in his coffee or inappropriate workplace affairs

Fresh produce, fresh produce: tasty and delicious, local and organic, get your fresh produce right here. Next?

Yes, do you have this type of fruit, I forget the name, but is kind of long and flat but also big and fat and fluffy and soft hard to the touch. It reminds me an overflowing toilet after a nasty number 2. It’s kind of like an old wet shoe that was left in the basement mixed with a deep sense of shame and just a whiff of overcooked tortellini.

Oh yeah, we got that right here, it’s called an apple

Whatsup?

I did something bad. Something truly awful

You want to talk about it?

No. Just wanted to tell someone

Great, I feel much better now.

Cool, wanna get tacos?

Hell yeah! I’m all over that short rib!

Alright, I'm going to go and have a quick shower

Okay, enjoy masturbation…Cue music

Seriously, You should do it now, before –

Oh, wait: did you think you were someone I might want advice from?

That’s enough now you hear! You… you here?

Yeah, I'm here

Good. It’s comforting to have you close by

Jam 7: Sad Walrus

This is Serge. He is an artiste.

Yes. I have exhibition in my basement next week. Three people have already confirm. Only one is my mommy.

Today in future news: The house sparrow and common starling are officially extinct. Human life expectancy has risen to 112 but with a satisfaction rating of -5.5 quambols per annum. And in a new survey from Mayberry and Levine (sponsored by Rocksnot Alpine Eco Mints) the average number of different cancers a person gets by the age of 38 has grown form 18 to 22, testicular having also been spilt into three further sub strains.

(Fruit stand)... Next

Do you have the vegetable- I forgot the name - it look a bit like an elephant ear and smell like old sock. I think is family of the other green one that remind a little a donkey ass. Like spinach but not leaf. Makes me think of an old paper bag crumpled on the wet sidewalk with a tiny bit of something brown and stinky spilingl from the front left corner.

Sure. You’re looking for seedless grapes. Right this way.

Come on, big boy, pull that monster out of your jammies and Call now to speak to a large lady with a yeast infection in a warehouse outside Bangkok. She is addicted to a type of industrial glue and has terrible hemorrhoids, but you don’t need to know that!

Welcome one and all to the open mic freestyle baby bird oolalaa whoop hey hey, because you know, its time to play.

A fat man in a diaper is knocking at my door. Again, I’ve read too much into a woman’s smile

She laughs like a forgotten clown, cries like sad walrus. This is the last generation that can con a worthwhile dream out of the world.

Can I pet your dog?

I don’t think he’ll let you. He’s scared of (ugly) heterosexual men

So you’re still single?

Yes, I don’t know why it’s proving so difficult. I just want someone to have caviar blinis and vintage champagne with on yachts on weekday mornings. Someone English who speaks Japanese with a Nigerian accent. Just someone to be mean to and belittle in front of friends. You know. Someone to like just a tiny bit more than I despise

Yeah, the good ones sure are hard to find

Here, you can have my ticket. I don’t need it

God bless you!

Ha! you crack me up with this god of yours

You remind me so much of a friend back home

Oh yeah?

Absolutely, the way you talk, your mannerisms, your face and smile

Good friend is he?

Oh, one of my very best friends.

Well, if you want, I'll hang out with you for a while so you can get a vicarious slice of him through me and feel that warmth of connection. You can teach me some of his sayings and habits. I’ll pick up on it quick.

You’d do that? That would be lovely, thanks!

He drowned

Drowned! Oh my god, what a tragedy!

Yes, I would have loved to have dived in and save him - I really would have. It’s such a pity the pasta was over cooked last weekend.

Did you see that guy with the funny hat?

With the weird face and the bunny slippers!

The guy with the purple hair, and huge earrings

With the pointy nose, tattooed face, flaming vest and mint green suede jacket

Man did you see that guy!

No. I dint see him.

Neither did I

You wanna come to the show with me. It’s a rather fancy affair

Sure, just let me just put on my coat and die

Jam 6: Thirsty MILF

Mm, have you tried the… Oh hi, Professor

Um, hello

It’s Jill. From yesterday

Oh, of course. Sorry. Your hair looked so much darker last night

I was wearing a black hat

Ring Ring

Hello

Hey, you forgot your phone here

What you talking about, I’m on it

Oh, yeah. My bad. Sorry

Then we laughed and sat together, watching the sun go down, sharing the yummiest cheese sandwich in all of Cheerful Town

-That was great, but could you do it more like a thirsty MILF please

Excuse me?

Read the scene more like a thirsty MILF

But I'm a little boys pet guinea pig

Yes, but there’s a slice of thirsty MILF in there. I mean, there’s a bit of thirsty MILF in everyone, right. Now, let’s go, sugar tits, I haven’t got all day

Welcome back to Dishes Said Weird, with Leandro Buckswazzle. Today, we have gnocchi with crème fraiche, biodynamic tomato, prosciutto, and basilicum drizzle. On the side, quinoa with shalots and Worcestershire sauce

How was your holiday in Provence?

Great. The berries were the size of plums and the plums were the size of grapefruits!

What were the grapefruits the size of?

Grapefruits. Medium sized grapefruits.

Hey, what do remember about that night we kissed?

Not much, just that your tongue felt like a cat's on mine

What’s a catsonmine? – oh – wait. Have you kissed a cat before?

No. Not really. Only twice.

Welcome to Atonal Sandwich with Kentavious Chamberwolf. Right away there’s one thing I have to say … but here’s the thing... Hey, remember that swiss guy we met last month

Yeah

Good

Have you met my friends Juno and Constantinople? They’re paleo fuzzy second skin ally leaning formal frog

No, but, I’ll introduce them to my cousin, Seahorse. She’s intermittent alkaline pentasexual bloodmoon flexiterian

Amazeballs!

Oh, did I tell you, Becca’s kid is into ballet now. She’s in her schools rendition of The Nutscratcher

It’s not The Nutscrather, Silly! It’s the Buttscratcher

Oh, yes, of course. Sorry. God, I love scratching my butt

Isn’t it just the best! It’s basically become my weekends

They just had a child. A girl

Oh, great. Someone else we know just had a baby girl--who was that again honey?

Your brother

Oh yes, Gerald

It was Manfred

Oh yes, Manny

No one calls him that.

Ok, thanks sweetheart, ill take it from here. I want to tell the story of my Uncle Larry (Les) and the shark (squirrel) -- Ooh, gnocchi with crème fraiche

And here we have a deconstructed salmon and avocado roll with a beetroot crema, pickled jalapeño and crispy tempura bits. We suggest you mix it all together before tasting

Don’t tell me how to eat my food

Jam 5: Excuses

(Ring Ring)

Hello, Pino’s Pizzeria

Hi, yes, I’d like to make a reservation for 7 on Friday night at 8pm please

Of course, that’s Friday, at 8 for 7 persons

Oh, no. Not 7 people. 2 men, 3 ferrets, a hamster and a newt.

Poor Jessie

Why?

Oh, he’s deaf, but in the eyes, you know

He’s blind?

Oh my god, that too? Poor him

Today, on Ramirez and Gooch: A woman who can go to the bathroom without her phone, and later, a couple who got divorced after the guy confused Timothy Hutton with Gabriel Byrne one too many times, But first: he’s slept with 100 plus women and has always been 100% straight, but lately has developed an inexplicable interest in chubby middle aged Filipino men. Please welcome, Zinger Zane.

Meanwhile, in Brownlake, Colorado, Gerlad in accounting is still upset he didn’t ‘reply all’ when he replied to a recent email and made a very witty comment. Doing so now would come off needy and pathetic

Excuses Song

I have to miss school today because I’m sick

I can’t drive you to the airport I cut my finger and have to go to hospital

Sorry, I cant Help you move I have to take my cat to the vet

I cant come into work today because …

My wife’s grandma died

My aunt had a stroke

My cousin had a nervous breakdown

This isn’t a joke

I caught my nuts in my zipper

Broke both legs playing chess

All my shirts have ugly oil stains

What a friggin mess

I have to babysit a hippo

I forgot where I parked my car

My tongue is stuck to the freezer wall

I’ll never get far

I'm so sorry I cant make your naked acapella opera poetry slam, its just…

A plane just crashed though my ceiling

There’s a bomb under my bed

I’m fighting wildfires in Portugal

There, enough said

I have robot diarrhea

I’ve been possessed by a warlock

5 swimsuit models just arrived

Begging to stroke my..uh.. german shepherd puppy

– what a cutie pie / so fluffy / Who wants a belly rub?

But listen, seems I can’t make your kids charity hip hop danceathon cookie bake after all , because… well

There’s a hit out on me

and I need to lie low

I’ve been cloned and I now don’t know

if I'm the one who’s supposed to show

I found a corpse on my front lawn

Been kidnapped and held in Peru

My head’s stuck in a railing

I swear this is all true

(Distorted phone music)

All operators are currently busy. You are number 201396 in the queue. Please note, we surely don’t have the answers you are looking for, but please hold and listen to awful generic distorted musac, on repeat, indefinitely anyway – a fitting metaphor for your life.

(Hey, what’s a meta for anyway? I mean, what can you do with it?)

Good evening and welcome, allow me to tell you today’s special. We prepare an assortment of seasonal young vegetables on the charcoal grill with mediterranean herbs and spices and serve them on a platter with seared salmon, and paper thin slices of 2 day marinated medium rare kobe beef, and then Maurice, our sous chef, lays a longquite firm turd neatly on top just before the service.

Why aren’t you coming? Everyone’s going to be there

Because if there’s one person I just can’t stand, it’s Everyone.

Jam 4: Mashed Potatoes

This is Miranda. She’s the head baker

Oh no! Not human heads, I hope!

I'm afraid so

Who’s next?

Yes, three scoops in a cup please. Straciatella, Straciatella, and Straciatella --wait, can I taste the Straciatella

Thank you, everyone. I have a brief statement. Due to the latest surge in positive cases and hospitals having reached capacity, the following events have all been canceled effective immediately: the once in a decade world ice festival; all sports, concerts, and parties; all holiday related festivities, activities, and gatherings; all travel; and all Taco Tuesdays going forward. (Riots)

Hey you wanna go to the new restaurant on Second?

The one with the rusty nails in the seats?

Yeah , the one that smells of foot fungus stewed in a urinal

You bet I do. Just let me just misplace my keys and spill my coffee and we’ll be off

And now, reading from his new book of poems, Jarless Lids, a warm round of applause please for Codfish Delgado.

Thank you. U-hum. She accepts me reluctantly for the weekend. We split a macaron and recite Rimbaud to each other in a hoarse whisper. At once, I can't remember if the pretty birds I’d seen had been only in my dreams. Thank you.

OK, let’s take a break, Please help yourself to Hawaiian Punch and spam sandwiches in the in the foyer - yay!

(music)

Hey, what the!

Oh sorry, I thought you were my friend who I always fist on the dance floor here

Mm, these mashed potatoes are so creamy. What did you put in them?

Um, cream!

John looked at Kate. She was as beautiful as any woman the lady in the pawnshop yesterday had ever seen. Kate looked back at John. He was as gorgeous as anyone Beth Lieberman in the Wyoming Agriculture and Fisheries Department, Water Quality Unit, had seen since Tuesday

You know Allen Glendale?

Yea

He's dead

Oh no!

Had a heart attack

Who?

Allen

Allen Who?

Glendale. Allen Glendale

I Have no idea who that is

Oh no, I put shrimp in my yoghurt and made banana nut cevice!

Well that’s nothing, yesterday I wiped my son and put my ass on the school bus!

Here, take this pill

Hmm. I don’t know. What’s in it? Are you sure it’s OK?

Yeah. Totally. I’ve taken it loads of times and I’m 100% fine

Aaaak- excuse me, I just have to go lay an egg

The Headlines: In todays news: some stocks went up and some went down, A new species of whale has washed up on a florida beach and is baffling scientists, and in local news, a 54 year old woman has adopted a baby with her exact DNA. But first, in this evenings top story: the Taco Tuesday Riots extended into a 6^th day, bringing the casualties up to 34, and creating an estimated damage of 3.2 billion dollars (Riots)

Jam 3: Accidental Gravy

Ring ring

Hello

Hey, I can’t find my phone - can you call it?

Wait, aren’t you on it?

Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Let me call you back

It’s my birthday tomorrow

Cool. What’s that, the big Four-O

What? Jesus, no! I’m turning 29

Good evening, welcome to Unbelievable True Stories with Jethro Bambini

See this lady over here, well she had her right boob bitten off by a baboon – true story!

Also, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen was called Burpfart McPoopernelly. Really. She was.

You eat? Can I make you a sandwich?

Oh, no thanks. I had a Brazil nut and sip of hemp milk at noon.

So, that’s a no to the Tuna melt and fries?

Listen, I found out yesterday I can’t have children

Oh … wow …really…well…that’s…wonderful news! Congratulations!

Thanks, mate. Honestly I'm over the moon. So fucking stoked.

…Music

And now, ladies an gentlemen, from Buckwheat Pennsylvania, Accidental Gravy

Foot steps, door opening/closing

Ah, thank god for the musical interlude- about time too. now I can finally go do blow in the bathroom – see if there really is a difference between Bolivian and Columbian.

What have I got, 3 minutes? Jesus, what a shit show tonight. What am I saying? That’s every night. Crappy fucking production. Garbage content. Pathetic crew. Not a drop of talent in the lot of them. Bunch of tossfucks. Can’t believe I’ve been doing this shit for a decade. Driving me nuts. Look at me, Talking to myself like a crazy person.

Static.. Um, frank- your mic is still live

Oh, fuck!

Ooh, I love your voice- say, would you be willing to talk sexy for me on an audio project I’m working on?

Sure, no problem honey bun- ill talk sexy as hell on your dirty little project. I might even throw in some acapella (skat freestyling)

By the way, how was that Thai whisky he gave you last week?

Ohm that was disgusting

And he gave you like 2 liters

4. he gavce me 4 liters.

Shit! What did you do with it?

Oh, I drank it

Ah, yes, for a moment I forgot you were a serious alcoholic

Yes, thank you, Linda. And now, a man we found in the parking lot will stand in the corner and grumpily list chip flavors, accompanied by Chinese traditional erhu:

Salt and vinegar

Barbeque

Cheddar and Chives

Sweet Chili

Ham and English Mustard

Kyushu Seaweed – come on!

Champagne Vinaigrette and Shallot – is that one even real?

Winter Berries and Prosecco – OK, I’m done. just give me my check.

Hey, is my makeup all over my face?

Where else would it be, darling? Or did you put it on your knees?

Welcome to Man Bun Wars. Today, Sal the barista vs Darius the co-op veggie bagger. It’s going to be Hipster Mayhem.

Ring frinf

Dude, cant talk now, Man Bun Wars is on.

You going to Scapegoat Love next weekend at the Ritz?

Of course I am. Come on.

Scapegoat Love Next Weekend at the Ritz- This Thursday at the Daisy Lounge. Bet you thought they were called Scapegoat Love and were playing at the Ritz next weekend.

Jam 2: Douchetart

So, Joanie tells me you’re in consulting

What? Oh no- not consulting- insulting- You butter punching twatburger, stinkin rotten onion licker. What a pit sniffin narlis harlot slugbucket. Now piss off with your weird squishy nose and your fat stinky tongue, you toast burning globnobber. Jesus, what a douchetart!

Welcome back to cooking with Jake. I’m Gerald. Jake died last night. On today’s show: takeout

Hey, why you still wearing a mask? It’s not compulsory anymore

Oh, because I love to smell my breath recycled under there … Hmm, I ate garlic sardines earlier

Hello, I'm Filroy Banfoose and this is Preposterous Real Estate demands

Today, we are looking for

A simplex with a good lift

A room designed for little people but with a large space able to accommodate several giants

A seasonal live indoor beeswax acacia honey station

A corpse built into the thick concrete walls never to be found

A fireman’s pole sliding down all the way to hell

And German tiles made in Madagascar but packaged in Guatemala

… Let’s take a look at our first space

Wow, that old man walks like a little girl

That is a little girl

Wow, that little girl looks like an old man

Ready to order, gentlemen?

I have a question: what’s in the Juanita’s Nachos?

Oh, that would be home made tortilla chips, sour cream, jalapenos, refried beans, cheese, and pico de gallo

Hmm, ok, and what’s in the Juanita’s Nachos Grande?

Oh, that’s pork knuckle, sardines, mango, banana leaf and sand

Really? That surprises me. I would have thought it would have been at least a bit similar

No, not really, you douchetart

Hi Tom! How are you! How was your gap year in Peru?

Eh, I think I'm going to let movie trailer guy get this one…

He lost a leg and was deported but he met the love of his life because of it, so it was a good deal in the end. Tomachu Picchu. Now playing in a theatre near you

Wonderful, can you do one more while you’re here?

Sure - Just when the caterpillar thought life was over it transformed into a glorious a butterfly. And just when it was starting to love its new carefree life on the wing, it flew into a web, was bitten and wrapped up in silk, living out the rest of its life in paralysis while the spider slowly dissolved its body and sucked it up like a meat milkshake. Web of life, starring nature, spring and summer, everywhere every year

Man, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I was at a party last weekend and I shat my pants

That’s nothing; I was at a dinner last night and someone else shat my pants

No way

Yes. Really, and the crazy thing is, it wasn’t even a pant shitting party

(Ring ring)

Hey. Wassup?

Nothing. I only called to say I can’t talk now

Later

Hey, tell me about your new movie project

Ah, So, this is what we’re thinking: first scene, wife gets a call from the doctor telling her she has breast cancer, and that it’s spread to her lymph nodes - are we all following here? Cancer… In the lymph nodes. Then the husband comes home, says he’s been fired, and has lost the medical insurance. He asks where their kid is – thought he was with you! No, you were supposed to pick him up from baseball practice. He’s lost, maybe kidnapped by a sexual predator, or a crazy woman who can’t have children of her own, doesn’t matter. We can choose later, anyway. The rest we fill with the usual secrets, betrayals, lies, and revenge, before the fire burns everything down to the ground, all gone. Everything lost – Everything…lost! Oh, and everyone’s a snail.

Wassup dude. How you doing?

Not great. My uncle has dementia and my phone got stolen

Dude. I wasn’t really asking. A simple wassup will do. Geez. Learn to read a room

Jam 1: Whale Song

Whatcha looking up?

Recipe

For what?

Disaster

Cool

Ah, I have a great idea! Let’s have a massive picnic in a beautiful place in nature, and then just leave all our trash and plastic bags and beer bottles lying there

Yeah! Awesome! Woohoo!

Welcome back to Dada Supreme. Today, we’re going to paint the painter, and judge the performance of the judge. Before throwing some rubbish bins in the bin

And now: sounds of humans in distress while a whale swims freely in the vast deep blue

And, if you elect me I will ensure a two-week holiday twice a week, and bottomless ice cream bowls whenever you so desire. I will install vomitoriums in all public places including bingo halls, vape theatres, and commercial dungeons. But, above all, I will immediately revert the law that forbids cousins to root in the butthole. Are you with me?

Excuse me, are these vegan?

They’re potatoes, sir. Fresh uncooked potatoes

So? They could be dusted in beaver bile, or coated in gelatin. They could have been spliced with pig livers,

Sadly, Henry knew the smug little man was right.

So. someone farted next to me in the lift today

Really?

Yeah, right next to me.

Wow. Lucky you. It’s been so long since anyone farted next to me, let alone sat beside me in the bus vomiting into a clear plastic bag. I was just thinking about it yesterday. I miss it. It’s been months, maybe even years since someone sprinkled my flip-flopped foot with pee at the urinal, or shat their shorts near enough for me to catch a whiff or maybe even see a trickle of leakage down the leg. Been so long since I even found a beard hair in my falafel.

It will come, Gerald. It will come.

I know, but, well, I… Life has just been so empty lately. If someone could just hack a loogie onto me from a balcony on high, or sneeze onto the back of my neck, I could get some momentum.

I know, my friend. Just hang in there, and remain optimistic. I bet you’ll soon step into some junkie poop in the park, or get stuck in a small windowless room with someone with a terrible, uncontained foot fungus. In fact I'm sure of it.

Thanks, Manfred. That really means a lot

I’m sad

I’m sorry

Don’t be; it is the type of sadness I really like. A deep melancholy inextricable from love, that reminds me that things are important and fragile. I appreciate it when it comes, even if I sometimes cry.

Aaaw. You want a hug?

God, I’d love one.

OK, thank you, no questions, but miss Fumicillo does have a brief statement.

Thank you. Uhu. We humbly ask you to respect our privacy during this difficult time. My husband is a good man who just made a mistake and he can count on me to stand firmly by his side. Yes, I want to clearly state that I fully support my underage pussy eating, buttock biting, rectum ravishing husband and believe in my heart that he will never again stick his penis through multiple anonymous glory holes while snorting coke off teenage titties - because he promised me, and I believe him.

What is it doctor? Tell me, please

I'm afraid to say you have dung cancer

Dung cancer?

Lung cancer! Sorry, I have a terrible cold, but, listen, I have even worse news, because it appears to have spread to your wimp nodes

My wimp nodes?

Oh shut up and work with me here. You might be dying, but there’s nothing wrong with your fuckin ears