Jam 29: TV Channel Singularity

In this week’s fantastic Five Minute Jam we get a doggy bag, mock Vanilla Tea, call each other pet names, enter the era of TV Channel Singularity, smell our fingers, discuss married life, have our plans derailed, and deal with an overflowing toilet

Visit www.spamjamradio.com for more, including transcripts

Also check out Kanter Loop’s surreal comedy detective adventure Gus Tulip Private Dick here or wherever you get your podcasts

Please follow and Subscribe. More soon. Till then, Love and Gravy

-

Episode Transcript:

Check please

Of course, sir. Was the food not to your liking?

Oh, it was great, but it was just a bit much.  So, yeah, could you please wrap this up for us so we can forget it in the taxi on the way home?

Of course, sir

-

Vanilla Tea? 

Yeah

That’s your name?

Yeah. You have a problem with that?

No, why should I have. I’m not the one walking around with name like Vanilla Tea.

-

Good morning booty bird

Hi angel butt 

Sleep well wiggle bink?

Perfectly pupi cheeks 

How bout some sugar, smoopy

Here you go love muffin

You so fine pudding shakes

Want some eggs yummy face 

Sure, snugglebum

You got it smoeshiepants

-

It was in 2029 that television became overtly specialized. Gone were the sports, news, food and entertainment channels, and in their place myriad others of extremely narrow focus. And so began the era of TV channel singularity. There was a channel featuring only monkeys shooting lazers, and one only showing music clips with red ships. There was one devoted entirely to freshwater explosions, and another to passive aggressive Austrian arguments. There was a channel that exclusively showed drunk men fighting and one parading reptiles in lingerie. The plate smashing channel was a hit, as was the sweeping up channel, and lets not forget the channel that only showed people opening bottles with their bums

-

So, with Jim and Sandrine that makes 12

hmm

Wait, you don’t like Jim and Sandrine?

I don’t know. She just looks like a woman who says, ‘get your hands off my man,’ way too often, and he looks like a guy who keeps smells his fingers after digging in his navel

You know people so well Ludovico

It’s a blessing, and a curse

-

How’s married life?

It’s good but I miss screwing other girls. You know, random, dumb annoying strangers I meet in shitty clubs with awful music and pretend to listen to and care about. I even miss when girls I’m not at all into jerk me off mechanically and for too long into a deep and depressing numbness

Yeah. That happened to me last weekend. Was amazing

-

Whats wrong Giuliano? 

Ah, it’s nothing

No, there’s clearly something the matter. You can tell me. 

Well, it’s just, the man I’ve being lying to and setting up for months had a stroke yesterday, and now I cant defraud him for all his assets

Oh man, that’s tough  – I know how you feel. Some idiot went and killed the guy I was going to beat up and rob last week 

Ugh. So inconvenient

-

Oh no, the toilet’s overflowing again

It’s your huge shits Gerald. How many times must I tell you: your shits is too damn big. It’s all that corn and roast goose you eat. all that stewed goat and cheesy fries and banana cream pie. Your turds is just too god damn massive - too thick and chunky. Long as a python, wide as tree trunk. You gonna break Old Betty if you don’t mitigate your bowel movements. Lord knows, something has got to give! 

-

Check please

Of course, sir. Was the food not to your liking?

Oh, it was great, but it was just a bit much. So, yeah, could you please wrap this up for us?

Certainly, ill put it in a small paper box with a tiny hole in one corner so it leaks extensively but almost imperceptibly 

Great, and do make sure put that in a plastic bag with a tiny overlapping hole so it spills continuously onto my brand new pants for several minutes before I notice

Of course, sir